Black Maternal Health Week (Day 2): Black Women and Pregnancy Loss

TRIGGER WARNING:

Today we will be talking about pregnancy loss and some statistics that Black women face in the area of Black Maternal Health. I like to warn my readers when I am talking about this topic, because it is much more common than people realize. From research that I’ve done, nearly every Black woman I’ve talked to has experienced a pregnancy loss at some point in her life. And from my own personal experience with pregnancy loss, I am always sensitive when this topic comes up. Please take care of yourself as you read today’s newsletter, even if that means you skip this particular newsletter. It’s important to do what you need to do for yourself, especially if you’ve experienced a pregnancy loss.

Yesterday, we talked about postpartum in Black women. Today, we will talk about Black women and pregnancy loss. Last year I talked with you about the statistics Black women and babies experience in the realm of Black Maternal Health. However, in case you forgot, let me jog your memory for a second. In comparison to other women, Black women are 2 times more likely to experience a pregnancy loss before they hit 20 weeks of pregnancy. Once we get to the 20 week mark of pregnancy, the statistics increase and we become 3 times more likely to lose a pregnancy and our babies. These are sad statistics, and despite what the literature says, we don’t fall in higher stats because of limited education, health care, or poverty. Black women with high educational degrees, good paying jobs, good health care coverage, and no previous health complications fall into these statistics. The problem is the system, implicit (and conscious) bias, and how Black women have been treated for years. However, that’s a newsletter for a different day this week.

I share these statistics to put today’s topic in perspective, because it is a high likelihood that you have encountered a Black woman who has lost a pregnancy. It’s important to understand that when you have come across this Black woman, to come across with sensitivity and understanding. You may not know if a Black woman has experienced a pregnancy loss, because unfortunately most Black women don’t talk about pregnancy loss. However, you can still approach a Black woman whose experienced a loss even if you don’t know it.

JUST DON’T ASK!!!

The best way to approach a Black woman without knowing if she has lost a pregnancy is to simply not ask her when she’s having kids. I personally HATED when people asked me this question! It was invasive and insensitive. Most of the time I got asked the question right on the heals of yet another pregnancy loss, and my husband had to console me behind closed doors. All because someone was being nosy and inappropriate with their questioning. I share this to hopefully elicit an emotional response in you. . . Don’t ask when a woman is having a baby, especially a Black woman. Because based on these stats you may be asking her right after she lost a pregnancy.

JUST LISTEN!!!

At times it is hard to know what to say, especially if a woman reveals that she has recently lost a pregnancy. It’s even harder to know what to say when a Black woman shares such intimate news. Why? 1) Because we don’t talk much about difficult things and 2) Because it’s hard to accept yet another Black woman has fallen into such stark statistics. In these moments, it may be easier to just listen instead of trying to find the right words to say. Sometimes the best thing to do is to say nothing and simply listen, be a sounding board. You don’t have to say absolutely nothing, you can have a few genuine phrases to share back:

• I can see how sad you are about this, and all I can say is I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

• I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, but I’m here for you through this process.

• I don’t know what to say, but I can listen so you don’t have to hold your feelings in.

These comments must be genuine and shouldn’t be said unless you truly believe them. If they don’t seem authentic to you just listen, you can never go wrong by offering a listening ear.

JUST SHOW UP!!!

The final thing you can do is show up for a Black woman who has lost a pregnancy. Community is a big deal for us, so being around others may be just the medicine she needs. It’s normal to withdraw after experiencing a pregnancy loss because it is an intense process, not just physically but emotionally as well. Often times there are doctor appointments that follow well after the loss, and these appointments are sad reminders of the pregnancy that did not progress. So expect for a Black woman to retreat for a bit after experiencing a loss. However, the best thing you can do is help her not REMAIN in isolation. You don’t have to talk about the loss, you can simply show up to hangout with her. You all can go to lunch, or on a walk, just show up. I’ll never forget a dear friend of mines was very savvy in showing up to my home after my second loss. She wasn’t too pushy, but she was pushy enough to let me know that she wasn’t going to let me handle the loss alone. Yes, my husband was very available to me, but it was something about having another woman be present for me and just show up. To this day, that is something I reflect on at times. We barely talked about the loss, but her presence said all that needed to be said.

Again, these are just a few tips that you can add to your toolbox in the event that you encounter a Black woman that is experiencing pregnancy loss. Just do these things and it can be the support that she needs. Until the next time I decide to show up, make sure you do something that will help you Bloom Into Your Best Self. . .